firefly lies

Once upon a time there lived a girl in a small town she was born and raised there and had seen but little of the world. Although she loved her family dearly she felt that she needed to go in search of something greater, something that she herself could not name. So she took a job in a distant land and left her beloved home, upon arrival she had second thoughts of her choice but soon came to the realization that she was in the right place. Days came and went and she became more and more tired of the day to day mundane as she had in the town before this, but on one Friday after a longs day work she went out with her companion in crime Summer. It is not what happened, where it happened, or who it happened with, but she found what she had always been searching for...or so she thought, once the weekend ended she discovered that it had not calmed the stir in her heart. Although she had experienced a new thing in her life she worried that she what she was in search for didn't exist, but she knew one thing, she knew that if it was raining it would be better to dance then to just get wet.

exuse me I have lost my mind, have you found it?

This has been an interesting week for me, Summer is leaving me in two days and I am going to be alone on this Island for the rest of the time alone!!! But I will get by because humans are the most adaptive species right?

So Nicky's new thing to say is "Jordan, I've lost my mommy" when she leaves. Its funniest when we are out somewhere because people think that I've kidnapped her... really they give me the stink eye. But last night was a real tear jerker, Mike, Anne Marie and Kelly went to look at a car to buy and me and Nicky stayed home. It was getting late and she was tired so I started to go through the routine of putting her down, we say "goodnight" to everything in the house on the way to her room. But when we got to the stairs she looked at me with little tear filled eyes and lip quivering and said, "Jordan I lost my Mommy and Daddy and my Kel" it was the cutest thing ever!! Although I reminded her where they were and that her Mom would wake her up the next morning a thought occurred to me, who is there in our lives to remind us all is not lost?

I know that there are greater powers in this world and the next that definitely fit into that category, but as we grow older we start to cut out things and people in our lives like you would trim the fat of a steak. But at this time in my life my steak has almost no fat, however I have lost the part that makes it taste good. So now that I have removed the people who were once the guides in my life, I am forced to distinguish not only right and wrong which is hard enough, but who and what is right in my life. It feels like I am about to buy a car, and I can't ask anyones opinion because there is no one to ask. Summer has shown me how lonely and miserable I was at home, not because I didn't have friends but because I was living my life in a closed frame of mind.

I cannot even tell you how great it has been to have Summer here with me, I would have been happy to sit at home every night just because I had no idea what fun you can have by just exploring the world around you. If I have learned anything here in New York its that it doesn't matter what you do, who your with, or what is happening in your life, fun is a state of mind. That's why kids can fall down and cry and five minutes later laugh and run through a bunch of bubbles, because they see what is truly important the good times not the bad.

New York City

So this past weekend we decided to go into the city... quite an adventure let me tell you! Well first off to get from East Hampton to the big bad city you have to take a bus...Yes a bus, and to get on that bus you have to get to the stop, and then you have to pay for the bus ($51 for a round trip ticket) then the bus drops you off in the city and you have to get a taxi to go where you want to go, because let me tell you its confusing!! We had some fun though I took my very first taxi to Time Square, we went and had some lunch and then sought out some good times.

Our first adventure was a run in with the Naked Cowboy, let me tell you ladies he is kinda ranko!! But we posed with him anyway, also once he found out where we were from (Utah = Mormons in NY ya know) he decided it was time to hang on tight! Ha ha Summer was freaking out and I look like I am enjoying myself but don't let the picture fool you...you weren't there! After we had been violated (Casidy it wasn't sexual assault!!) we went in search of the perfect purse, on our quest we stop at many roadside purse stands but the big beauty was no where to be found, on about are fifth stand I ran into Arty. He was a street vendor and he grabbed my hand and gave me free stuff, oh how lovely it is to be called beautiful by a random stranger!!

Next we moved on to Central Park, we walked the eleven blocks to get there and by the time we were in it we were sweating to death. Don't let the movies fool ya New York City is smelly and hot in the summer. Later we made our way back and got caught in a hasty rain storm and ran for cover the storm made our day cooler but a lot wetter so we hailed a new taxi and sped away to the bus stop! We spend a good few hours in the city and I will be going back, but at night, when its cooler, and not suppose to rain!!

Holy Heat Wave

This week has been miserable for one reason only, we had a heat wave here in New York... Yes when I took Kelly to school on Tuesday it was 85 degrees at 8:00 AM!! To make matters worse the AC upstairs in our house was broken, so I was constantly taking cold showers and swimming in my own sweat. Luckily there was an upside to the sickening heat, we went to the beach all day, everyday. I didn't even get ready this week because my makeup would just fall off... So now that the heat wave is OVER, and I am as red as a lobster, we go back to everyday life. Never fear however once Kelly is done with school (about 15 days) the beach will be on our agenda everyday!! Nicky decided to make a sand angel she was so funny she kept putting her face in the sand too, she isn't even afraid of the ocean. She is a great girl and we had so much fun building sand castles. Potty training isn't going too well but we keep trying!

Oh dear...

This has been an interesting week as a nanny... I have finally been able to put the kids down for bed without them crying for mom, and although I still get the 'when's my mom going to be home' question, I turn around and ask them and they now know the answer...'after dinner'. Nicky (2, that is my good girl to the left...) is so funny, we have been practicing our Spanish lately and we will repeat hello, hola, hello, hola over and over and then moved on to more difficult phrases and today in the car she said 'Hola, como estas? Muy bein gracias!' it was crazy I was so proud!!



Because Kelly is still in school, (thats her on the right) me and Nicky are on our own most days, and we have come to the time where its time to potty train. She can talk in full sentences, so its time I get to stop changing diapers... so now I feel like a real mom, well actually I had to laugh at myself when in my off time I was researching best methods to potty train ( any suggestions???). But hopefully we will get it down, we just got the 'Nicky Potty' out and she loves to sit on it, but so far nothing. I will keep you updated, ha ha I know you all want to know this stuff right?


But one more week down, I think that anyone who wants to become a mother should nanny first... Everyone told me that this would be the ultimate birth control, but seeing how these families are, and how they raise their children makes me think that us Utahn's have a good point in having our children young... to see some of these parents who don't have time or energy to devote to their kids makes me sad, and to think I was ever against a good spanking, well Mom and Dad thank you for making me scared shit less of you. But really to see how these kids aren't afraid of their parents, and no isn't a word they respond to, is so hard! Just yesterday I watched some girls wrestle on the floor of a restaurant with their mother saying "honey please sit up, please get off the floor..." oh man if I did that with my mom or dad... But I am glad that I wasn't babied either because there are 10 year old girls who cry if their mom leaves them for two minutes!!


I guess every family has their own unique way of running itself, but I sure hope I do as good of job as my parents did!

Resoultion

I have been on my own for three weeks now. Although I haven't felt I was alone until this week, when an unrelated event made me alienated from my family. So I went back to the basics of life, I cleaned, cooked, and yes I even cleaned my room and did my laundry (I was running out of clothes, I only had pj's left he he) but even that didn't make me feel whole.

I was trying anything to reconnect with my roots, and I was so mad I almost dyed my own hair to match my mode...crisis averted momentarily by Summer... But really this week has taught me that I have no one to count on outside my family, and with Summer in the city for her birthday (Happy 21st Sista) I was alone in a unfamiliar city.

So I finally sucked it up and went out, even if it was to rent a movie and get some chocolate. I did something alone, and I figured that even though my family means the world to me I need to establish myself outside of them again. I need to be me, and although I am a sister, a daughter, a niece, and a granddaughter, I need to figure out what else I am. So I am going to do just that, maybe...No I am going to, well we will see, but what else can I do?? So here is to the new me, pray for me k?

ps I am working on pictures of the girls alright? Nicky sure loves the camera, she's always saying 'cheese Jordan take a picture, I'm so pretty...' guess I've taught her a thing or two about self-centeredness oops....

This picture is Main Beach in East Hampton, Summer took this I stole it from her myspace.